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There’s something about a fat, greasy burger that goes so well with a late night phonecall to an ex-fling. The almost-soggy buns seem to contain the sweat of the darkest days, but the reason you split is complex and in between; a delicate mix of tender meat marinated with problems for months on end. The cheese on top is the cherry; the straw that fractured the wrong-from-the-start romance. The grease almost gives you a chance to digest what happened; it works because both the burger and relationship are not worth it, and you know this deep inside.

But call Big Juicy only if you spiralled so far downhill, that you questioned what it was like to even love in the first place. This has no resonance to McDonalds break up efficiency; expect no factory of pain here – there is just nothing to work with. Like, even though they promise that they like late night delivery, the guy on the phone sounds like he’s inventing his business while you’re speaking to him. Finally, after he puts together what should be an order – and almost convinces you that you cannot expect fries with every burger – you feel so down and out that you wonder if you were lucky to even have a bad relationship.

Worse, the meal arrives at your doorstep later than you are told, just when you are at your wit’s end. The bell rings, and the burger is in a case so big it looks like its still being cooked. If you’ve ever had a guy get your name wrong a few weeks after dating, you remember it now. There are also no condiments to ease the situation – even a napkin would be a stretch.

The first bite is a journey in to hell from which there is no return. The feeling is plain stale, but you go on, stretching the limits of the edible. The buns are moon-sized and contain nothing but misery. Inside, the stuff looks like the aftermath of someone else’s meal. And whether it’s the pork burger or the veggie, your stomach churns and you miss your mum.

Getting there: The Big Juicy, call 9205494231, Rs. 450 for a burger and a smattering of fries.

bpb reviews anonymously and pays for its meals.

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Food & Drink